don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
