Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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