We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
