Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
