Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
