He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
