I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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