I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
