hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How external is "for external use only"?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
