My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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