sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
