tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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