Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
