I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
