There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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