I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
