Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
