I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
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