There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
