Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
