In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
