My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
