I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
