Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
