I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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