i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
