You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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