Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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