I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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