I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
