Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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