Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
