I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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