so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
