i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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