I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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