I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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