it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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