I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
