I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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