Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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