Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
barbara walters just said penis...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
