nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
