paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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