I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
