i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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