Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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