Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
