nut hugger
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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