You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
